Taye Nakamura-Koyama

T-Bear,

I wish that I could tell you that no matter how many years pass, the pain of the loss of your life never ceases to rest on my shoulders, even during the dull, mundane, joyful, stressful, and exciting experiences of my life. Your absence is a ghost that follows me into each room I enter or a new path I follow, only becoming more apparent each year as June approaches. As muddied as my memories have become over the years, the remembrance of waking on the 13th to the news of your passing is a crystal clear moment that I annually return to, feeling my heart break bit by bit as time lingers on. While they say that time heals all wounds and makes dealing with sorrow more tolerable, I could not disagree with that saying more than I feel today. Through the years, my heart has found a degree of ease, knowing that you are resting and having the privilege of visiting and sitting with you. I wish I could bring flowers to you each week and ensure that even now, you can be surrounded by something beautiful in life. However, adulthood exposes the true layers of the grief that I have yet to process, even after 10 years. By now, the anger and frustration that I felt towards knowing how much pain you were experiencing drifts into unadulterated sadness and emptiness. There is a raw agony that I feel as someone who spent years in that same pit of darkness that you must have felt during many moments.

Meanwhile, it is a surreal experience to realize that a whole decade has already passed and that my life is vastly different from the years of our friendship in school. Today, I found myself caving to that anguish, chainsmoking on a bench in downtown Vancouver (even though I NEVER smoke) and sobbing, indifferent towards strangers noticing my breakdown. I ran through the entire list of my supports, the beautiful friends in my life, my therapist, and those who have taught me that life has a beauty that I truly wish I could share with you. Looking at all the love around me, the heartache took over and the brave face I try to wear feels as though it's crumbling to bits. To know that while you may have had people who care and love you, you must have felt so unsupported and alone in those moments shatters my heart into millions of tiny pieces. Today, that sadness fills my heart and pours over, I merely wish that you could have felt the same degree of love and support that I now know. In many ways, I wish that I could go back in time and do/say things differently or merely do something to make sure you know your presence in the lives of those who you met. I feel you by my side and on my mind in many moments in life, most notably as I encounter more people who struggle with the type of pain that you felt. It makes me desperately want to ensure that people know they are not alone and to help them in even the simplest way of being there to listen.

Taye, more than anything, I hope that you know how much love I feel for you no matter how much time passes. My love for you will always remain, especially when I am reminded of you. I look at BC's mountain range and imagine how much you would have loved skiing through the stunning Canadian slopes. I collect nearly anything that I find that has Gloomy Bear on it (clothes, plushies, pins, stationary) because I know how much you and I both loved him. I think of you when I put on some sort of gothic/punk/edgy outfit and stomp through the streets like an anime character because it's just another thing that makes me feel connected to you. I'm always carrying a little (or sometimes big) piece of you with me and wishing that you could have experienced some of these moments alongside me. Regardless of the tears that seem to endlessly fall today, I'm thankful for the moments we had together and that all you taught me, and while not knowingly, continue to teach me. I'm never going to forget you; you're someone far too unique and special to forget and I hope you can somehow feel the presence of my love for you. I love you so much

Penny & Hal,

I wish both of you nothing but the best in life, and while I cannot even begin to understand the pain of losing a child, I hope that both of you know that Taye is and will always be someone who holds a special place in the lives of those whom she met especially me. Over the years, I've left candle after candle because I frequently think of her, and I hope both of you know that. I think of your family and hope that life has granted you opportunities to heal and still find beautiful moments despite how challenging it can sometimes be. I cannot begin to express how thankful I am that I've had the chance to visit Taye's grave, and I hope that I will have the privilege of spending time there again in the near future. I'm thankful to have a space where I can leave notes to express how much I care for her and think of her, regardless of how many years it has been. No matter what, I will always come back and leave reminders to both Taye and, hopefully, your family that Taye still very much lives on in my heart and that she foundationally changed who I am. Honestly, time may pass, but as I get older, my love for her and appreciation for our friendship grows and grows. No matter what, I am always thinking of Taye. Please take care of yourselves, I hope that life brings you many wonderful memories and moments. 

Sending love and wishing the best,

Jude K.

T-Bear,

I wish that I could tell you that no matter how many years pass, the pain of the loss of your life never ceases to rest on my shoulders, even during the dull, mundane, joyful, stressful, and exciting experiences of my life. Your absence is a ghost that follows me into each room I enter or a new path I follow, only becoming more apparent each year as June approaches. As muddied as my memories have become over the years, the remembrance of waking on the 13th to the news of your passing is a crystal clear moment that I annually return to, feeling my heart break bit by bit as time lingers on. While they say that time heals all wounds and makes dealing with sorrow more tolerable, I could not disagree with that saying more than I feel today. Through the years, my heart has found a degree of ease, knowing that you are resting and having the privilege of visiting and sitting with you. I wish I could bring flowers to you each week and ensure that even now, you can be surrounded by something beautiful in life. However, adulthood exposes the true layers of the grief that I have yet to process, even after 10 years. By now, the anger and frustration that I felt towards knowing how much pain you were experiencing drifts into unadulterated sadness and emptiness. There is a raw agony that I feel as someone who spent years in that same pit of darkness that you must have felt during many moments.

Meanwhile, it is a surreal experience to realize that a whole decade has already passed and that my life is vastly different from the years of our friendship in school. Today, I found myself caving to that anguish, chainsmoking on a bench in downtown Vancouver (even though I NEVER smoke) and sobbing, indifferent towards strangers noticing my breakdown. I ran through the entire list of my supports, the beautiful friends in my life, my therapist, and those who have taught me that life has a beauty that I truly wish I could share with you. Looking at all the love around me, the heartache took over and the brave face I try to wear feels as though it's crumbling to bits. To know that while you may have had people who care and love you, you must have felt so unsupported and alone in those moments shatters my heart into millions of tiny pieces. Today, that sadness fills my heart and pours over, I merely wish that you could have felt the same degree of love and support that I now know. In many ways, I wish that I could go back in time and do/say things differently or merely do something to make sure you know your presence in the lives of those who you met. I feel you by my side and on my mind in many moments in life, most notably as I encounter more people who struggle with the type of pain that you felt. It makes me desperately want to ensure that people know they are not alone and to help them in even the simplest way of being there to listen.

Taye, more than anything, I hope that you know how much love I feel for you no matter how much time passes. My love for you will always remain, especially when I am reminded of you. I look at BC's mountain range and imagine how much you would have loved skiing through the stunning Canadian slopes. I collect nearly anything that I find that has Gloomy Bear on it (clothes, plushies, pins, stationary) because I know how much you and I both loved him. I think of you when I put on some sort of gothic/punk/edgy outfit and stomp through the streets like an anime character because it's just another thing that makes me feel connected to you. I'm always carrying a little (or sometimes big) piece of you with me and wishing that you could have experienced some of these moments alongside me. Regardless of the tears that seem to endlessly fall today, I'm thankful for the moments we had together and that all you taught me, and while not knowingly, continue to teach me. I'm never going to forget you; you're someone far too unique and special to forget and I hope you can somehow feel the presence of my love for you. I love you so much.

Penny & Hal,

I wish both of you nothing but the best in life, and while I cannot even begin to understand the pain of losing a child, I hope that both of you know that Taye is and will always be someone who holds a special place in the lives of those whom she met especially me. Over the years, I've left candle after candle because I frequently think of her, and I hope both of you know that. I think of your family and hope that life has granted you opportunities to heal and still find beautiful moments despite how challenging it can sometimes be. I cannot begin to express how thankful I am that I've had the chance to visit Taye's grave, and I hope that I will have the privilege of spending time there again in the near future. I'm thankful to have a space where I can leave notes to express how much I care for her and think of her, regardless of how many years it has been. No matter what, I will always come back and leave reminders to both Taye and, hopefully, your family that Taye still very much lives on in my heart and that she foundationally changed who I am. Honestly, time may pass, but as I get older, my love for her and appreciation for our friendship grows and grows. No matter what, I am always thinking of Taye. Please take care of yourselves, I hope that life brings you many wonderful memories and moments. 

Sending love and wishing the best,

Jude K.

 

Dear Penny,

There is no reason why you would remember me since it has been nearly forty years since we last spoke, but once upon a time you used to sit in the front row of a lectrue hall at he University of Oregon with me to listent to Fred Newberry lecture about the Leather Stocking Tales and Moby Dick.  I remember it like yesterday because for the last forty years I have been using it as an example in every high school English class that I have taught.  How we were the only Japanese students in Introduction to American Literature feeling just a little out of place and intimidated only to discover that we didn't have to feel that way... but that is a story for another time and  place.

One day my students asked me to look you up on the Internet and that is how I discovered this terrible tragedy.

I know that no words could ease the pain and sorrow that you have experinced.  Nothing that I could say would make it any easier, especially coming from someone who could only be called a "stranger." Still, I'd like to tell you that you had an amazing daughter... you have an amazing family.  Looking at the pictures that you have posted  of Taye reminds me of the little girl that I used to sit next to so many years ago at the University of Oregon and even with the greatest sorrow that any parent could experience I see that tough little girl.

My deepest condolences on your loss.

Sending my love to you today, I hope all is going well <3. Some sort of energy in the air reminded me of Taye today, it made me feel safe. You two raised an amazing young woman, thank you. 
Love, Anna

Dear Hal, Penny, Kiki and Weston,

You are all in our hearts today as we remember beautiful Taye. I pray you will feel uplifted by the love of your friends and all who adore your special family and Taye. We love you and look forward to seeing you all soon, the Hinz family

safe travels to Kiki xoxo 

Dear Hal, Penny, Kiki and Weston,

You are all in our hearts today as we remember beautiful Taye. I pray you will feel uplifted by the love of your friends and all who adore your special family and Taye. We love you and look forward to seeing you all soon, the Hinz family

safe travels to Kiki xoxo 

Our family is thinking of yours today and sending much love. Taye's spirit lives in all of us  and she remains in our hearts. Wishing you peace and sweet memories of your beautiful daughter and sister.  All our love, Chantal, Eric, Emma and Mia

We are sending love to each of you today as we remember beautiful Taye. I am still inspired by her gifts, her steely determination, athletic prowess, work ethic, and her message to us all to put our heads down and hammer.... May you all feel uplifted today by her memory and the many who love your sweet girl and your beloved family. Claudia and Tony, Luke, Nicole and Anna