Memórias
| Dad |
We will always remember you |
July 5, 2014 |
I wanted to share some feelings about the struggle with remembering the past and mourning the future. Also, yesterday, Mom and I hiked near String Lake and others. While we were resting at the lake shore, Mom etched Taye’s name into the sand. It was a beautiful little beach area. I gathered some sticks and laid them over the etching and saw a beautiful bird feather just a couple feet away to add. I took a photos as we left and think Taye likes it.
Love,
Dad
Memories
Everywhere I look there are memories of wonderful times with Taye. Many of them are captured in photos. I look at them again and again. Recalling these precious times is so necessary, yet brings intense pain. Without saying it or thinking it directly, it feels that because she has passed away, somehow these memories were also taken, or damaged, or reduced in some way – that somehow the memories cause the pain. But a few of days ago, I began to realize that these memories, all of them, are forever and unchanged by what happens now or in the future. They are exactly the same as before Taye passed away, and they will always remain pristine. The sweet memory of Taye sitting on a rock with Kiki in String Lake, or with Weston helping her along when Taye had barely learned to walk is forever as it was before Taye passed away. If anything, these memories are now more precious than before. So why do I feel so sad about these memories? What creates that terrible, painful feeling? I think part of it is that it reminds me there will never be any more of these memories. There will be no more of those precious times with Taye. That is incredibly sad, but the reality is that there would never be memories like those again. Certainly there would have been new and different ones, less frequent and more unique to Taye and her own path. The most agonizing part, though, is being reminded of the possible life which Taye will not have. Somehow the memories with Taye, remind me of all the memories I hoped she would make for her future self. But I do not want the sorrow of possible memories that will not be to taint the beautiful memories of what actually was. I want to guard them as they should be guarded, like an amazing treasure. And separate at least this part of the suffering, realizing that all of the memories, the huge number of memories which we have with Taye are perfect and forever unchanged. It takes tremendous effort to look at a photo of Taye smiling and not instantly feel a knife in my heart. But I will try each time to focus on that instant of happiness, vitality and love, captured in those photos and memories and which live forever. I will still mourn terribly for what might have been, but will always cherish separately, distinctly, what has actually been. Those memories, that history, are not and cannot be tainted by her passing. They are a bit of bedrock which is safe, stable and eternal.
| mama |
Were you there? |
July 5, 2014 |
Dear Taye,
I know it's getting kind of embarassing, as I'm lately the only one posting memories. I'm so scared of not remembering you, it has me in an almost state of panic. So forgive me, because I know you'd be all embarassed about it.
We hiked up to Ski Lake off of Philips Canyon today, it was quite gorgeous, and a lot less vertical than Glory Bowl.
As we were going over a large melting snow mound, I found a blue jay feather perfectly perched atop the Northern part of the snow bank. I was hoping it was a sign from you...
We got up to Ski Lake ( a small glacier lake) off a Cirque, and we waded out to an old log and sat there and ate lunch. Yes,the water was freezing. But as we ate our lunch there, in came this almost indescribable, beautiful rolling chimera on the opposite side of the lake. It was like glitter glistening and sparkling across the ripples of the lake. It was so beautiful, I just had to watch for several minutes, as it took my breath away.
Dad saw it too. Then it stopped and it became it's usual flat lake. Right as we were about to wade back to shore, the unfolding chimera of glitter came back towards us. I put my feet back on the water, hoping you would touch me.
We couldn't really explain these huge chimerra's that happened twice, was it the light breeze and the sun's angle at just the right juxtoposition to allow this phenomena? We don't know, but we'd like to believe we saw your beatiful light fill us with some much neaded peace that you are going to be alright. We love you to the moon and back. Please show your light to us, we need it all these days. Mom
| mom |
Almost to Sleeping Indian??? |
July 4, 2014 |
Okay first off, yes I know the name is politcally incorrect, "Sleeping Indian", but everyone knows it by that name, though I think it's really sheep mountain?
I was wearing the KEEN (Mary Jane) style shoes, which you always said looked, "ridiculous and dorky" and made my feet look like Minnie Mouse shoes, but as usual I wore them any way, mainly because I forgot my real hiking boots back in Bend. And surprisingly enough these KEENs are comfy.
Luckily, or unluckily by the time we got to the six mile trail head, with at least 3000 vertical feet gain ahead of us, a Thunderstorm rolled in. We even got one of those storm warnings on the radio, just as we were getting out. After seeing a few lightening strikes, we thought it best not to do that hike today. I think you would've pushed us on, but the belly of Sleeping Indian is pretty exposed, so you know me, I'm all about risk versus reward. It was too much risk for me.
You would have thought the start of the trail head was ominous, as we saw a skelton head of an Elk, picked clean by what we suspect were wolves and some vultures. Not far from the skull, we saw the vertabrae, pretty well intact a few feet from the skull. For some reason you were always fascinated by anatomy and skeletons. That ominous sign, along with the Thunderstorm warnings were enough for me to high tail it out of that Flat Creek Road section in the Elk Refuge.
You would have loved our stop into town for lunch at Liberty Burgers, they have Nutella milk Shakes! Though I'd never buy Nutella for you guys, because you all used it as a food group and not a food condiment, I was happy you had Nutella for breakfast when you had a sleepover at your friend's Brett's house. Maybe I should have bought Nutella more often?
We walked into the village, where they had fireworks. I remember when you were younger, we used to take all the cousins and everyone to Snow King to watch the 4th of July fireworks at Phil Baux park and we'ld like to snuggle down in our sleeping bags and just let the bright lights of the fireworks zoom down around us. It was loud, it was big and it was the best fireworks show ever. We all used to oooh and ahhhhh together, heads together describing the ones we loved the most. Those are the nights I wished had never ended.
Hundreds of fireworks and stars in multitude of colors making everything and anything seem possible for the future.
| mom |
Still hiking... |
July 3, 2014 |
Taye we are still hiking every day, trying to find you, trying to find us.
We hiked to Bear Paw Lake, from String Lake and Leigh Lake. We have the photo of you and Kiki sitting on the rock in the middle of String Lake. (It's above Jenny Lake.) I remember finding a shady spot for grandma and grandpa to have lunch, and you and Kiki swimming out to the rock in the middle of the lake. Later in the day we hiked over toward Leigh Lake, and we ran into the ranger on the path who was guarding a baby moose, apparently the mother was scared and ran off, without her baby, but the ranger assured us the mama moose would be back.
That was such a great day on String Lake, grandpa just loved being there right under The Grand, with the water in front of him. WE didn't know then, that would be the last time grandpa would be back in his home state. I'm so glad we were able to give him that summer week in JH. He passed away six months later. We were sad. But I must say, that's nothing compared to the sadness I'm feeling now, and how much I'm missing you.
I was going through one of my reporter notebooks in the car, and I found a little cartoon picture you had drawn, it was like a little gift from heaven to see your handiwork there in front of me. You used to scribble away, these cute little pictures, and I love them, they mean so much to me now. How can you be gone? I thought I'd have a gallery of your paintings all around our house as we got older.
Today at String Lake, I think you would've been disappointed; it was a little Disney like, in that there were all kinds of people with SUP, rafts, canoes, etc. When we used to go there, it was still quiet and you could find a patch with very few people. The crowds thinned the farther you walked away from String and Leigh Lake, and headed up to Bear Paw Lake.
We hike miles, and miles and I'm still searching. My heart is heavy. Please hike beside us. We love you and miss your special sense of humor. LOVE< MOM
| MOM |
The Bear Hike |
June 29, 2014 |
We did the bear hike today.
I didn't think I'd do any repeat hikes in my Wyoming Hiking book, because there are just too many to do, and remember how you said that if I didn't get to all the hikes in the book you'd finish them for me? I believe you would.
Well dad and went up to Geraldine Lucas rock. It was gorgeous with all the summer flowers blooming, and as you recall it sits right under The Grand.
It was almost seven years to the day, that you, Kiki, Weston and I all did that hike together, I know that, because I wrote it down in the margins of my old hiking book.
As we were hiking back to the trailhead that day, seven years ago, I remember Weston saying, "Hey mom, look there's a bear with her two cubs, aren't they cute?" I thought he was joking, until I looked at both you and Weston pointing to the sow who was ambling somewhat pigeon toed alongside Cottonwood Canyon Creek. She was not more than 10 yards from us, and I didn't know that humans had hackles till that moment. I told all of you to NOT run, but to walk quickly, and get across the logs, that went across the creek. Taye resisted, as she tried to pull out her instamatic camera from her Pokeman fanny pack. She got a photo off, as I pulled her arm. Kiki was leading up the rear and crying as we got to the other side of the creek, walking as fast as we could to get back to the remote trailhead, and our Toyota.
As with all bear sightings we reported it to the ranger station, and because we had seen the sow had a green tracking collar, the rangers were able to tell us later that it was grizzly bear #___ with her two cubs!
I was happy, relieved all three of my "cubs" made it safely back to the Toyota. From that day on, we started carrying bear spray. As for the photo, we tried to have it developed in town at K-Mart, but the photo became know as our "Sasquatch" photo, because as Taye was clicking I was grabbing her arm, and so it's a blur of brown fur.
Even that hike never deterred you from hiking with me, we hiked a lot through Glacier, even after I read outloud "The Night of the Grizzlies" to everyone from our cabin. I think we had a healthy respect for the bears, and we learned to carry that bear spray and an assortment of bells with us.
Keep hiking with us.
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