Taye Nakamura-Koyama

I remember you came to Grandmas house with Kiki and Weston. We must have been seven or so, you were probably around three. Kiki and I were running to the trampoline and you cried because we got there first. We were kind of mean that day :P I remember skiing in I think 2005 or so and you wanted to try the snowboard. I told theresa I wanted to too, but quickly gave up as I kept falling. You seemed to love it, though, and were pretty good, too. I also remember being at your guys' house and I think it was Kiki who suggested a drawing contest and you whined "but Jequita will winnnnn!" You can bet I'm eating those words now.
Out of I think all of my family, you were probably the one I could relate to most as of late. When we started talking online, and I saw your art, even how you dressed or typed, I wanted to be more connected because I knew we would have been great friends. We shared similar fandoms and interests it seemed. We were both odd balls and on the artistic side of our families. Every year I'd tell myself "i'mma save up and go see my cousins this winter, it's gonna be great" and then every year I had no money or thought it wouldnt work out. I really wish I had now.

I wish I could be there to say goodbye <3

Your mother's Friday morning drive from Bend to Ski Bowl for the Oregon 4 Way Championships took far longer than expected. Dense fog and icy conditions resulted in a white knuckle experience ( for Penny; you may have been sleeping). But you arrived safely. The two events of the day were yours - for so many reasons. In the Classic Nordic race, you finished last., by quite a margin. And you were not happy with the result. Tears were streaming down your face and we knew it could go either way: you would 1) never put on another pair of Nordic skis or 2) you would think you had room for improvement :-). One always hopes for the best... The following year you won that race,. Indeed, you left the rest of the field in the dust.

Once the tears subsided, it was time to move to the jump hill. The jump event is a long afternoon for both participants and spectators. Taye, you made the afternoon longer and better.  On your first practice jump you stalled at the top and were coaxed by a number of coaches. Then you inched down, ever so slowly, toward the launch. You stalled again. You inched down farther. You started to snowplow on the approach and some official yelled at you. You stopped and inched down farther. Finally, you let your skis run and you probably caught four feet of air! Others were catching 60-70+, but yours, at that moment, was monumental :-)

and... You went back up to do it again. It was a similar scenario.
and... You went back up  to do it a third time.
and a fourth....

I remember feeling so happy FOR you and so inspired  BY you. Through your determination you acknowledged your fear...and you flew.

with that, you are one of my angels. Rest... In peace... Know that you are embraced with love. 

I think you were six years old Taye, and grandpa being a Wyomingite wanted to teach all you grandkids how to fly fish.
He rented a boat, we rented a cabin at Diamond Lake, and we were hoping for a trout dinner.
  We had the fancy rods and flies.  Grandpa untangled more lines that day, and took out more hooks out of his thumb than I can count, but he was so proud of you, when you brought up not one, but two trouts with your pink plastic Barbie fishing pole, with power bait.
   We fished all day, and the two regulation size trout were your prizes, and grandpa couldn't have been more pleased.  Grandpa showed you how to clean and gut the fish, and while it grossed out your brother and sister, you were fascinated by the process.
Grandpa said, "After all the lost flies and the boat rental, these are the most expensive fish I've ever eaten!"
   We always thought there would be more fishing days ahead of us.

How can you be gone already?  You were only 16, with a whole life of accomplishments and adventure ahead of you.  

I remember watching you play soccer, 3 on 3 co-ed. It was first grade, and you were fiercely competitive.  You outplayed the boys, with bright colored ribbons tied around your pigtails.  I don't remember if you scored a goal, but I was impressed by your intensity. 

You would sit for hours, pouring your soul into your drawings.  So much talent, and focus on getting the details right.

One minute you'd be sitting quiet, thoughtful, observing what was going on around you, and then you were exuberant, laughing and running full speed

every time I saw you, you wore a new look.  You wore your hair, and makeup, and clothes like art, always experimenting, maybe trying to figure out who you were; maybe trying to keep us guessing who was the real Taye underneath.

After knowing you for 10 years you still politely addressed me as "Mrs. Van Valkenburg", with a cute little smirk on your face. 

The world has lost a precious treasure, full of talent, intensity, and potential, but Heaven has gained an Angel.  I bet you can go fast with wings!  
 

I remember texting you to see if you wanted to stay the night at Bowdoin last month. When you said, "no", I was a little hurt so I texted back, "Great! 'Cause now I can take shots with my friends." ... moment pause... "don't tell mom and dad" Your response came later, "Too bad I'm reading all of my texts out loud now." 

Do you remember? You, mom, and dad were meeting me behind Winthrop to meet my host parents, and you didn't get out of the car. I didn't really understand why. But when I got in the car and looked at you, you were trying not to crack a smile. God, I miss you. Over lunch you showed me your artwork and I was cooly impressed.

"That's cool." I would say. She is the best artist I know. 

We whispered at the end of the table where we were sitting together and shared laughs, like old times.  Over Christmas Break we were walking around Jackson Hole Village playfully physically and verbally jumping around each other, my best friend.

Later that night, after my birthday was celebrated because nobody ever thought that I would be home tomorrow for the actual thing, I asked again if you wanted to come to Bowdoin for the night. FINALLY you said "yes". I wanted you to (duh). But I was also faced with the dilemna that Spring Gala was that night, the last chance for unhealthy drinking. My friend, Kama, didn't talk to me for half a week after because she thought I was a bad influence. It all worked out fine though. We put on dresses, and headed to the crew pre-game. I took six shots. Before you had a sip of my champaigne, I made you promise you wouldn't drink until college. I was so impressed that you didn't wince. Just thoughtful like always. Contemplating. You told me you would take care of me if I was too drunk. Reassuring me that you had taken care of worse... You were a by definition "good girl"-- just no one believed it-- you liked that. 

I stumbled back to my dorm with you because you wanted to change your shoes. I offered you the black heels with the bow ribbons. 

I stumbled once again, but to the dance with you at my side. You couldn't really dance, but that didn't matter. All of these boys would try to hook up with you, and I would, for once in my goddamn life, be the big sister and shame the boys.

"She's fifteen!" I would rage. So much pleasure in saying that. For some reason people thought she was older than me... but maybe she just was. 

It became a mission then of my friends and I to protect you from the boys. 

"She's fifteen!" I would be holding her hand this time. For the first time in a decade. It couldn't have felt more right. 

After the dance I asked if you had fun. You said, "Yeah, but none of the guys asked me to dance." I looked at you like, "What the fuck." 

Mom and Dad picked you up from the dance because you didn't want to stay the night. I made you promise me you wouldn't tell mom and dad. I knew you wouldn't, but I liked the idea of sisters keepng promises. You were like, "Fine, but I get to keep the shoes." Always calculating. 

"Done." I said. 

***

My body is numb. My cheeks hurt from crying. Mom is wandering around your room picking up pieces of white clothing for you to wear.  It was the outfit you wore on the last day of school. That's what mom told me, at least. I hope that is okay. The necklace I noticed on the outfit was my necklace. The skinny white belt, my skinny white belt. And the shoes, them black heels. 

Rest in Peace. 

Wait for me, okay? Don't turn away when I say this, or slump your shoulders uncomfortably. Take my hands just one more time. 

"I love you, Taye."