Hi Taye,
I'm sorry I haven't written to you for a while, I still think of you most of the time. Firstly, I want to say happy 21st birthday! Sorry I couldn't get to writing you sooner. It's almost that time of year again but I've still been spending lots of time thinking of everything that happened. The 11th, the text messages, hanging out at Brett's house. It's all kind of becoming a blur as my memory gets worse and worse but I hope I won't forget. I've been trying really hard to get better but I've been falling back into bad habits. I was clean for 5 years after your passing, did you know that? It's been a bit hard lately though. Someday I hope that I can believe that this wasn't all my fault. I know logistically speaking that it's not my fault, I know what the professionals say about people doing whatever they want and I know that I can't blame myself for other people's actions. But it's been years and the weight of being told I was at fault still eats away at my sould. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself but I hope that I can someday.
I moved far away from Bend, I live in Toronto now and it's pretty great. It hasn't been an easy first year in the city but I'm happy here and I'm happy I could start building a life for myself. I'm gay, I don't know if I ever told you that but it's the truth haha. I've got a girlfriend now and we are really happy together. I'm also working at a flower shop now, it's a really nice time. Last night I met a girl who reminded me of you. She had the same smile and creative spark as you. It kind of scared me a little but I kept looking at here because I was scared my eyes were playing tricks on me. It was a nice reminder of you though. I have lots I want to say to you but I'm not sure how to so maybe someday when I learn the proper words I'll write to you again.
Love you and hope you are resting easy,
Jude
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| Jude | Sometimes I See You | June 9, 2019 |
| Mom | Happy 21st Birthday | May 20, 2019 |
Dear Taye, Happy 21st Birthday, how I wish you were here to celebrate it! Does God hold birthday parties there?
I long for your hugs, not a day goes by when you're not on my mind.
We are clearing out the Bend house, and I found a "Ski Report" from Jackson Hole, and it made me laugh, your instructor wrote,
"Taye loves to ski, can't get enough of it, but she doesn't listen to her instructor." Hmmm, even at three you were testing the boundaries. It made me laugh a bit, you've always been a girl with her own mind.
"Taye loves to ski, can't get enough of it, but she doesn't listen to her instructor." Hmmm, even at three you were testing the boundaries. It made me laugh a bit, you've always been a girl with her own mind.
Apparently, when you were going in for lunch in JH with your ski group, you told the instructor, "I need to ski. I don't need lunch." They made you go in and eat, but some times I loved your tenacity.
I hope you're doing art up there. We gave away your art supplies, as we pack up the house. It's all very sad, but dad keeps all of your drawings and doodles. They mean the world to us now, more than you could've ever imagined.
I liked this passage from poet, Margaret Chula:
reaching the age
of being ignored
what a sweet delight
when a mockingbird
answers my call
solitary retreat
I make friends
with the chickadees
who can say
what lonliness is?
Love you, Mom
| Mom / Penny | Missing you | November 19, 2018 |
Dearest Taye,
We are in Jackson Hole for Thanksgiving week. I always wonder, if you were still here, if you'd be joining us from college? or Art School? Your sister is in Indoneisa, and your brother is in law school so didn't want to come out for just a few days.
We visited your grave site today, as we hiked up the hill full of snow, it reminded me of how much you loved the early snow of winter. You were always so excited to put away the roller skis and get on real snow with your ski team. I loved your enthusiasm.
When we got to your spot, the angel standing over you was coverd with snow on her head, wings and arms, and I thought you'd appreciate that, that soft, white blanket of snow was so untouched and quiet, I told dad not to disturb it, because I think you'd like it.
We did sweep off grandpa and Uncle Steve's markers, because they are flat and on the ground. I don't want anyone to forget.
“I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.”
―
―
| Mom | Missing you on Christmas | December 26, 2017 |
Hi Honey, I miss you so much, it's Christmas day, and get this, your brother and sister opted to go ski the fresh powder BEFORE gifts! How things change...I remember how you and KIki used to sneak into our bedroom at o'dark thirty to wake us up so you could downstairs here in JH, to unwrap gifts. I remember when you were little and still believed in Santa, that was a magical time ;). Life was simpler then...???
Later in the afternoon today, when I was making our traditional Christmas sushi I was thinking of you again, hoping you could come and help me fan the sushi rice, and help with the rolling of the sushi. Kiki's sushi still looks more burrito like, but still tastes likes sushi ;).
We also had lobster tails, and I know how you enjoyed those too, especially when we used to go to Maine, and we could buy them for less than one buys bologna. I miss you every single day, but at Christmas it seems to feel ever more painful.
We visit you here in JH. One day I went up there, and it was cold, and the angel had what looked like frozen tears coming from her eyes, and it made me wonder....???
I hope you are happy up there with grandpa Nakamura and Uncle Steve. I miss you baby, miss all your hugs, and I miss your humour and laughter. We love you so much, you are never far from our minds.
Later in the afternoon today, when I was making our traditional Christmas sushi I was thinking of you again, hoping you could come and help me fan the sushi rice, and help with the rolling of the sushi. Kiki's sushi still looks more burrito like, but still tastes likes sushi ;).
We also had lobster tails, and I know how you enjoyed those too, especially when we used to go to Maine, and we could buy them for less than one buys bologna. I miss you every single day, but at Christmas it seems to feel ever more painful.
We visit you here in JH. One day I went up there, and it was cold, and the angel had what looked like frozen tears coming from her eyes, and it made me wonder....???
I hope you are happy up there with grandpa Nakamura and Uncle Steve. I miss you baby, miss all your hugs, and I miss your humour and laughter. We love you so much, you are never far from our minds.
| Claudia Hinz | Remembering Taye | June 13, 2017 |
I have been thinking of you and your family leading up to today and will hold you all in my hearts as I remember and honor the memory of your beautiful girl. I think today of Taye's beautiful smile, her exquisite art work and sophisticated prose. I remember Kiki's extraordinary tribute of love. I think often of Taye's example as an athlete, how she hammered to the top, to the finish, and left so many in her wake. This example of tireless, unrelenting work and extreme rigor inspires me in my own work. I am grateful to have known Taye even a little and grateful to know and love your remarkable family.
With all my love and wishes for comfort,
Claudia Hinz
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